Чистый nonsense - Эдвард Лир

и пара старших Кошачьих,

и пара старших Рыб

узнали из газет о столь трагическом угасании всех своих родов, они отказались от любых попыток поддержания дальнейшего существования посредством питания и послали закупить в разных магазинах неимоверные количества кайенского перца, и бренди, и уксуса, и синего сургуча, помимо семи огромадных стеклянных бутылей с плотно пригнанными затычками. А содеяв это, они съели лёгкий ужин из чёрного хлеба с топинамбуром и трогательно и формально распрощались со всеми своими знакомыми, кои были весьма многочисленны, и изысканны, и избранны, и дисциплинированны, и смехотворны.

And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling, and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course, they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes; having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles, should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous public.

And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, you certainly will not see them.

И после этого они наполнили бутыли ингредиентами для маринования, и каждая пара запрыгнула в отдельную бутыль; вследствие каковых усилий все они, разумеется, немедленно скончались и за пару минут полностью промариновались; заблаговременно же они составили завещания (при содействии наиболее видных юристов округи), в коих оставили строгие указания насчёт того, что затычки семи бутылей должны быть тщательно залиты тем самым предусмотрительно закупленным синим сургучом; и что сами они, в бутылях, должны быть доставлены в главный музей города Чуш и, с наклеенными ярлычками из пергамента или любого другого неподходящего заменителя, выставлены на мраморном столе с посеребрёнными ножками для ежедневного созерцания и изучения и к вечной пользе малодушной публики.

А буде вам когда-либо доведётся побывать в Грамбл-Бламбле и посетить помянутый музей в городе Чуш, ищите их на девяносто восьмом столе в четыреста двадцать седьмой комнате правостороннего коридора левого крыла центрального четырёхугольника сего величественного здания; в противном случае вам их не видать как своих ушей.

Extract from the Nonsense Gazette, for August, 1870.

Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our valued and learned contributor, Professor Bosh, whose labours in the fields of Culinary and Botanical science, are so well known to all the world. The first three Articles richly merit to be added to the Domestic cookery of every family; those which follow, claim the attention of all Botanists, and we are happy to be able through Dr. Bosh's kindness to present our readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are found in the valley of Verrikwier, near the lake of Oddgrow, and on the summit of the hill Orfeltugg.

Take 4 pounds (say 4 1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a small pipkin.

Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more.

When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well previously.

Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper.

Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color.

Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number of oysters.

Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from time to time.

Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as possible.

Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller, – eight, or perhaps nine times.

When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon or a soup-ladle.

Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place, – say the roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds, – and leave it there for about a week.

At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.

Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean table-cloth or dinner-napkin.

Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly provide him with more.

Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.

When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.

Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.

If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.